if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
