Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
