Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
