I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
