whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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