I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
