He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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