Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
