Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
