hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
