they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
