he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
