I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just invented taco cereal.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
