i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
