i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
