Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
