There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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