I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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