I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
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