it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
