so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
