I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
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