I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
