Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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