thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
