God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
