Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
