Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
