the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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