I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
