It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Randomize
