I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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