I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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