Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
