Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
