but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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