The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
