i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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