apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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