Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
