i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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