thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
