I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
