i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
