I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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