He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
