Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
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