you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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