My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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