are you so shy because you have an std?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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