how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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