She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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