My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
